I just found this letter while shuffling through old files and making room on my laptop.  This was written a few weeks after Mom found out that she had renal cell carcinoma cancer.  Carmen was two months old.

2-20-2007

Hello Mom!

Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and then, five minutes later, you think of nine things that you wanted to say? When you called last night, it completely threw me off guard, and just after we said “goodbye,” I immediately thought of so many things that I wished I had gotten out.

First of all, I was thrown off guard with your call because when Tyme picked up the phone and heard your voice, he thought that you were Grandmother, and so that’s who he told me you were when he handed the phone to me. After only a few words from you, I still thought that you were her, since you sounded so much better!! By the time I figured out it was you, I was just too blown away to finish a proper conversation.

When you said that I should find someone to talk to about what you’re going through, I completely forgot to mention my three most important resources. Grandmother is, of course, number one. She’s gone through so much in life; gaining and losing family and friends through birth, marriage, sickness, and death. She’s also family, and a great friend (and family member) of yours. The best part is, she’s just around the corner from you, and can be there for you physically in a flash when I can’t be.

I also have two friends, Scarlet and Debra, who are helping me a huge deal. Scarlet, my friend who put on the shower in December, lost her Mom to cancer two years ago. Debra is a newer friend who just let me know that her father has been fighting lung cancer for five years. As you can imagine, both friends have already helped me to understand what all of us will be going through in the coming months and years, not just physically, but emotionally.

Another thing that I keep meaning to tell you is that Tyme and I were going to ask if you and Maria would be Carmen’s Godparents. We had planned to ask on this last trip, but completely forgot when we got the call that you were in the hospital. I also know that this is a pretty big load to be dropping on you right now, but I do hope that you’ll think about it at least a little so that we can talk when you’re feeling better.

We know that this is not a light decision to make. On our side, we went through everyone we know and tried to figure out who would raise Carmen as close to the way that we would, if we were not around to do it ourselves. If you and Maria decide you are not up for physically raising her, then we still want you to be a major part of her life and in making decisions that affect her. I’m sure that there is some legal term for a person who has that type of joint-control over a minor, and that’s some detail that we can work out when we’re all coming up for air.

Ok, one more thing:

You know that I’m graduating after summer quarter, but the commencement is on June 2^nd. My goal for you is to be able to come down, see my senior show, watch me walk, and then dance with Carmen at a massive party we’ll be having. I’m only allowed two tickets for the ceremony, so you’ll be sitting next to Konnie. ;) (To get more tickets, I’m going to have to find students who are willing to sell theirs, and that’s something I’m working on right now. I’m hoping for two more; one each for Dad and Grandmother. Tyme promises that he’ll be ok watching me on the podcast with our other friends and family at home or at Moon River.) Just so you know, I’ve already ordered my cap and gown and turned in my graduation application. I’m also now officially signed up for the classes that I need to finish, and I’m feeling really confident about this quarter. I even have some ideas for my projects.

Would you be comfortable if I based part of my senior show projects on you and what you’re going through? I should say, what we’re all going through…? I’m not sure yet how it will all tie in, but I’ll keep you posted as I brainstorm and research.

Our next planned trip to the ATL is March 23^rd-25^th to see LeoLani, live and in the flesh (and possibly in concert, knowing her). Of course we’ll be coming to visit you, too. I wish that we could come up sooner, but we’re batting about .850 for getting sick each time we head up there, and I don’t want to risk it any more than we have to.

Until then, keep us posted and we’ll do the same! I’m trying to learn video editing so that you can watch Carmen in action from the comfort of your bed. I’m really glad that she’s babbling and cooing now and that you can hear her make even cuter sounds than the grunting and panting.

We all love you with everything we have and we’re looking forward to seeing you with your mascara back on! Hug GranMaria for us tight and know that you are always in our thoughts.

-Joy, Tyme, and Carmen