… for a while, this is likely what happened.

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I’ve been depressed since I was a young kid; I remember looking at the sky and wishing it would eat me.  I wondered why everyone else was so good at faking smiles and laughter.  It took me a while to realize that what I was constantly struggling against was different than what most people experience, and when I came to that realization, it didn’t really help matters any.

Having depression rule your days is awful.  It is paralyzing, and very difficult to even reach out for help.  I am so grateful to have a family and close friends that recognize when I’m going down and know how to help me back up, or at least help me survive the wave.

I’ve been taking zoloft for about 8 years now, and it has helped immensely.  I went from “barely able to function” (hard to hold a job, feed yourself, shower, brush your hair, care about anything…) to being a mom with a degree, a farm, and two small businesses.  It’s still hard sometimes; sometimes something will trigger it, and sometimes I just wake up feeling like shit.  At that point, it’s one foot in front of the other, and do what you can to take care of your family.  That’s when I disappear.  I’m probably still here, but I don’t know what to say, or how to say it.

If you’ve never felt it, I’m glad for you.  I hope you never do.  It’s exhausting, and it hurts - just getting out of bed, or out of your chair, or opening the door and getting into your car will wear you out.  Everything is harder, and it makes you just want to sleep, or hold still.  Meeting with people sucks the life out of you, and it’s even worse if they ask you “how are you feeling?”  

Food tastes like cardboard, but you want even more of it… unless you never want to eat again.  You can’t fall asleep, but then you can’t wake up.  The littlest things will set you off; you’ll cry when something falls on the floor and you realize that you’ll have to bend to pick it up - so sometimes it just stays there until you’re feeling better.  Your spouse will say something they think is sweet, or at least benign, and it sounds to you like the worst insult you’ve ever heard.  Lights are brighter, sounds are louder, all other emotions are dulled.  Laughter seems impossible.

If you’re experiencing depression, do what you can to help yourself.  Please let someone know what you’re going through.  Don’t be ashamed of something you can’t control.