I have stuff to say

Gee, thanks, Time Magazine. There were so many good ways to help people be more comfortable with the idea of attachment parenting…. and this probably wasn’t it.

Amazing, isn’t it? Time Magazine showed breastfeeding! I should be thrilled! But I’m not. I’m pissed off. You can probably guess why.

I don’t need to point out that this three year old child looks like he’s six years old next to his mother. And that this is about as perfect as a photo can get if its intended purpose was to start a nice shitstorm. Not to mention the insinuation that attachment parenting leads its practicing parents to join the Crunchy Olympics and the Cult of Sears.

Let me set some of this straight. There are some moms out there who happily nurse their (happy) kids until those kids are done. As a matter of fact, the WHO recommends breastfeeding until two years of age, and then beyond, so long as Mom and kid are mutually content with the situation. (http://www.who.int/nutrition/topics/exclusive_breastfeeding/en/) I, personally, would have been happy to continue nursing my daughters, if they hadn’t weaned themselves when they did (both at 16 months, if you’re curious). So, what you see up there is *normal.* *Recommended,* even. It’s NOT extreme.

I would also like to note that I, and most moms I know, never bought a Sear’s book. I came to the conclusion that nursing, baby-wearing, cloth diapering, postive disciplining, and co-sleeping were good for babies (and good for us) independently, using research, trial and error, instincts and common sense. I do not worship at the altar of Sears… most of us don’t. In fact, I know that he lost a lot of us when he started to sell his extra special juices, snacks, and supplements on his hyped-up website. But they begin the article with “Sears, the father of attachment parenting, has converted hundreds of thousands of followers. But are some mothers taking his advice too far?” They possibly could have used more words to suggest that Dr. Sears has become the leader of some underground religion, but it would have been difficult and required a foreign language thesaurus.

There were so many ways that Time could have helped the attachment parenting movement… which would have been great, since this movement is simply trying to help moms, dads, and children from all walks of life to be happier, healthier members of society. Time could have shown a baby in a sling, contently snuggled up to their parent’s heartbeat, or maybe a toddler snoozing in bed with their napping mom or dad, or a family NOT watching tv, but perhaps playing outdoors…. so many positive photos could have used to represented families like ours.

But, I suppose, Time Magazine is not in the buiness of helping families – they are out to sell their magazines. And putting a highly controversial, and, to many, sexually suggestive in-your- face photo on the cover is a fantastic way to pulicize themselves. What sucks is that so many families, who are doing their best to raise healthy, stable, securely attached kids, are going to suffer. Gramdmas that were already picking on their daughters for nursing past the age of 5 months are really going to have something to say now. Nursing moms will be getting extra sneers at restaurants, and “I told you so” comments about our co-sleeping habits from friends. That’s all we need… more jeers, more opposition, more criticism. More reasons for parents “on the fence” to go to the dark side instead of embracing their instincts.

This is an interview with the Mom in the photograph. I have to say, I love the interview. I love her stories and her courage. I would like to think that I would do the same as she has done. Yet she says: “There seems to be a war going on between conventional parenting and attachment parenting, and that’s what I want to avoid,” and I don’t know if she realized that posing for this photo would spawn some really nasty responses, and the only people fighting back are those poor parents trying to defend this mom’s right to nurse her ginormous son while he stands on a chair… in front of a camera.

I can only hope that Time gets a lot of letters from sane, angry writers. And then actually PUBLISHES them. I’m too pissed off to write one right now (and I should probably read the article first, anyway, heh).

How do we start a positive AP revolution? Slowly, and carefully, I suspect… much like we changed the public opnion of child labor, interracial marriage, and (almost) gay rights. Start with little, open comments online and in conversation about your AP practices. Post a sweet photo of baby in a moby, a tender moment of nursing, or of an adorable diaper cover on an adorable baby butt. Tell stories about how you solved a discipline problem without violence. And think, in the back of your mind “Suck on that, Time Magazine.”

Why we’re teaching our kids psychology

You know what would be neat? If kids were taught something really useful in schools. I’m not saying that they aren’t now… I mean, math and history and stuff are all really useful, too. BUT they aren’t very good at helping our kids learn about how to be a person, and how to get along with other people, and what kind of things might go wrong along the way (and how you might be able to fix those things that aren’t going so great.)

Right now, students are forced to learn about how to interact with people by trial and error. Considering they are teenagers or younger, most of this is going to be error. They will bully one another, have sex too early, try substances that aren’t especially safe, and have a social life sullied with strife, all in the name of growing up. What if we could teach them skills to help them navigate their own brain, as well as the brain of their peers, future friends, bosses, spouses, and kids?

Learning some basic psychology could really help in these, and other, situations. I’m not saying that they need to learn about how to detect schizophrenia or why some people decide to murder and eat other people… those lessons would fall under a distinct branch called “abnormal psychology,” and although it is a fascinating dive into the human mind, it isn’t necessarily what every kid needs to know about. Basic psychological knowledge – how human brains usually work – is a seriously underrated academic discipline.

If we started teaching it in middle school, and on through high school, as a regular course, students would benefit immeasurably. It would be fascinating to witness this generation of people mature in adults who understand one another and their motives. I can’t change the schools’ policies and curriculum, but I can “extra” school my kids at home, and this is definitely one subject they will be getting a heavy dose of.

And here’s why:

Kids and teens who learn practical psychology can learn to recognize mental manipulation… and use it to their advantage. It would be common knowledge when you’re being duped, whether it be by people, ads, propaganda, or peers, and they would be less likely to make a poor decision by falling for common methods of manipulation. Girls and boys could learn when they are being sucked into thinking that they need to look and act a certain way (We can lump in healthy body image, while we’re at it), and how this can sell them cigarettes and booze (or gang life, etc) when they otherwise wouldn’t have been interested. They can also learn the subtle art of getting what you need or want by using this manipulation knowledge in reverse. (Hopefully, they will use their powers for good…)

They can make better decisions about relationships. Teens have a hell of a time choosing friends and significant others, and sometimes mistakes are made. They hang out with people who are poor influences, or who are emotionally abusive. They might even start dating an abusive or controlling person, which could have been avoided if they had seen the early warning signs.They can better learn to communicate effectively. Instead of being passive, passive aggressive, or just plain aggressive, teens can learn to talk in a way that gets their point or request across. Psychology would teach them how to ask for things without annoying others or being so subtle that no one understands that they need something. They would learn which techniques simply don’t work, or which are likely to have the opposite effect, of getting them in trouble at the office, at school, with their friends, or with their family. They would be much less likely to communicate through arguing or fighting.

It will help them say “no” when they need to (to drugs, sex, dangerous ideas and situations), and increase their self-confidence, because they will have a lot less doubt about why they need to say no in the first place.

They could better interact with others using “group psychology” methods. This knowledge is invaluable for people who work in an office or on a team of any sort. It is essential for managers.

They would be better at mediation between friends and family members.

They would be less likely to commit suicide, if coping strategies for depression or anxiety are practiced. They can also recognize when they are not doing well mentally, and seek appropriate help. They would feel more comfortable seeking this help because they would understand that a lot of people go through depression, and they are not a broken freak. They could also see the warning signs in their friends and family, and learn how to help them through it.

They can more easily detect when/if they are in a bad situation. A young person who is in the midst of a home crisis may feel trapped, alone, and afraid to tell anyone about what’s going on at home. Making getting help “normal” can save kids from abuse, abject poverty, parental alcoholism or drug use. Being able to recognize an unhealthy living situation is also essential, as many kids just don’t know that what happens in their house isn’t what is also going on in their friends’ homes.

Abnormal psychology could also be touched on, which can cause the student to be more likely to be compassionate and understanding toward others who have a mental illness, and be better equipped to deal with it if their friend, family member, or child developed one.

Wouldn’t that be worth a couple of semesters of time and effort?

Molestation - How not to raise a child victim

Somebody asked me how to talk to one’s kids about avoiding sexual abuse without mentally screwing them up. Unfortunately, thanks to personal history, sexual abuse is going to be a hard thing for me to teach to them (and to write about). I’ve been chewing on this, though, and realized that a good portion of our social and personal lessons go a long way toward making sure that our kids stay safe.

I’m going to start with a statistic for you to keep in the back of your mind while you read the first part of this post: ”29% of child sexual abuse offenders are relatives, 60% are acquaintances, and only 11% are strangers.” -Diana Russell, The Secret Trauma, NY:Basic Books, 1986. Yes, this means that the majority of perps, about 89%, KNOW their victims – they are not strangers.

Now, on to the good stuff:

Don’t lecture your children about molestation. They’re little brains can’t wrap around it. Shit, my adult brain has a hard time with it. If you try to explain it to them, you will only succeed in freaking them out, as well as yourself. You also run the risk of them misinterpreting behavior from adults and falsely accusing someone of molesting them, when it was just their teacher trying to wipe an especially poopy butt or something equally innocuous. Seriously, they don’t need to know that there are people out there who want to hurt them. Instead, give them some amazing building blocks to work with, and they will keep themselves safe.

Teach your kids to be open, friendly, and kind to people. This may seem counter intuitive, but you’ll understand why I say this in a minute. You don’t have force it on them (“Say hi to the nice butcher with the bloody apron!”), but certainly don’t inhibit it (“Don’t talk to that lady, she looks homeless!”). We encourage our daughters to order their own food, ask their own questions, and socially navigate on their own. We also treat people of all genders, sizes, abilities and races with kindness and make sure that the kids see us using “social engineering” with positive words and actions. They have never seen us yell at someone, disrespect them or treat them as an unequal. Because of that, we have two kids who are friendly, respectful, andgreat at reading people. Which is important.

When kids aren’t afraid of people, they have a LOT more self-confidence. Do some research on what kinds of kids molesters go after…. They love the ones that are quiet, withdrawn, shy, and emotionally closed to people. They don’t like kids who are likely to talk to others about their activities, or to say “no” when a request is made of them. Self-confidence will take your child a long way, so do what you can to help them gain it. Kind words, encouragement, group activities, social encounters, games, and acknowledging any little achievement are great confidence builders.

Allow your kids to trust their gut. Don’t blow all of their funny fears off as “silly.” Listen to what they have to say about how they are feeling – they will learn that it’s ok to come to you when they don’t feel quite right about something. Which is also really important.

Reinforce that it’s ok for them to say NO. We tickle our kids and we (gently) tease our kids. But we also teach them to say “Stop, please” when they are done with us. When they ask us to, we stop immediately, and they learn fast that asking is going to work. They learn where their personal physical and emotional boundaries are, and they feel free to communicate them. Even if some one they don’t know is doing something that makes them feel uncomfortable, they aren’t afraid to say something about it. This confidence is essential – a child molester is very unlikely to want to attempt assault on a kid who is actively telling them to stop what they are doing because they don’t like it. That same child is likely to tell another adult about what was going on. This same skill applies as they get older – they will be able to tell boyfriends or girlfriends to slow down or stop what they are doing if heavy petting is getting too heavy for their comfort level. To reinforce this behavior, we have (consensual) tickle games… we will tickle them until they say “Stop,” and then give them a break, with our hands far away, until they ask us to start up again (usually after about 10 seconds… they love being tickled!).

Teach your kids the correct names for their bits. I don’t care if it makes you flinch to hear a child say penis or vulva. Get over it. Teach your daughters about their vaginas and vulvae, and teach them about the penis on a boy – and vice versa for a boy. We hear “My vulva’s itchy!” around the dinner table here all the time. It’s a fact of life, and we treat it as if they had told us that their knee was itchy. You know what we don’t do? Give the anatomical parts some kind of pet name.

This is a true, sad story. A proper, Southern mother taught her daughter that her vagina was called a “purse,” presumably because the actual name was just too vulgar for use. When this daughter was 6, she went to the family doctor for a yearly check up and the doctor asked her if she had any medical complaints. The girl said “Sometimes, Uncle ____ puts his hands in my purse.” She knew enough to bring this up to the doctor when she was asked if something was wrong, but the doctor didn’t understand what she was talking about. The father, who was present for the exam, did, however, and was able to take steps from there. But imagine if the father hadn’t been there and the doctor just assumed that Uncle ____ was stealing quarters from the little girl’s purse? How long would the abuse have continued?

Never make them feel ashamed of their body parts. If your son is terrified to talk about his penis, or think about his penis, or touch it, or have it looked at, then you will probably NEVER know if someone else is doing something inappropriate with it. Because he will be afraid to come and talk to you about what is going on with his penis – after all, you’ve taught him that it is a nasty piece of anatomy and that you just don’t want to hear about it. Don’t shush them up, frown disapprovingly, smack their hand away or tell them that their body parts are gross. Treat the private parts like any other part of the body – matter of factly. Not with disgust, fear or delicacy. And when you “catch” them touching themselves (not “if,” but “when”), don’t freak out! If they are in their bedroom, bathroom, or somewhere else you feel like it’s ok for them to explore, then let them know that. If it’s at a restaurant, church, etc, calmly explain that this is a private act, like going to the bathroom, that is only appropriate for certain rooms and only when they are alone.

Teach them the line of appropriateness. There is a line that can be crossed, and they are allowed to know about it. My daughters know that it’s socially *not* ok to touch some one else’s vulva or penis. They understand, through words and actions, that there are some places that are ok to touch, depending on how well you know the person. Mom, Dad, and Doctor can touch their private parts. Friends can hug, and strangers can shake hands There are ways of teaching them this without completely freaking them out about strangers and without making them feeling like their privates are evil. Use the same strategies that you would use to teach something else, like when and where it’s ok to use a marker (“Markers go on paper, not on the walls.”) or to take off your clothes (“This is alright for home and Grandma’s but not at school or the supermarket”).

Give them some age appropriate sex ed. It’s alright for kids to know about sex. My older daughter knew that it takes two goats, a male and a female, to get a female goat pregnant. She knows that it has something to do with the private parts. She doesn’t have all the details yet, but she really doesn’t need to, at this point. She also knows that this making baby kind of act happens only when animals and humans are of a certain age, and that she is far from that age still.

Let them know, through actions, that they can come to you if they need to. One great way to break your kid: “Tell me all of your secrets or I will be angry.” Yeah… that’s a great way to have your child keep as much stuff from you as possible. Try this: talk to them like they are people. Laugh with them, hang with them, talk to them about your life, their life, and the world. When they hurt, emotionally or physically, acknowledge it and help as much as you can.

Forget Stranger Danger. I know that this concept is used for kidnapping as well as sexual assault, but it’s all around a bad idea (enough so that I might write an entire post dedicated just to it at some point). The short story is this: If your kids are going to molested or kidnapped, the person doing it is 89% likely to be someone that you and your child already knows – a family member, teacher, priest, coach or a friend of the family. That’s a REALLY high number. Are you going to teach your child to mistrust and fear everyone they come in contact with?

Some people say yes. Yes, they are going to imprint this on their child: “ALL STRANGERS ARE OUT TO KILL YOU.” So, then, tell me what happens when they lose their way? They have been taught not to talk to strangers, so they will continue to wander, and it will be that much longer before you see them again… unless, of course, the real bad guy is three steps behind them and waiting for them to be completely alone. How about this: “If you need help, ask anybody around you that you think can help you.” We had to undo damage from Carmen’s school when she came home to tell us that she learned that she shouldn’t talk to strangers because they were mean. It took about a week of untraining that thought and replacing it with “Most people are nice and will want to help you if you need it.”

Another helpful tip – teach your child your phone number. Put the number to the tune of a song and sing with them several times a day until they sing it with you, then back to you. This is actually fun for longer car trips. Carmen knows mine and Tyme’s (mine, to the tune of Mary had a Little Lamb and Tyme’s to Twinkle Twinkle Little Star). (Carolyn might know it, too, but Carmen doesn’t let her get a word in edgewise, so it’s hard to tell.)

Here’s a bit of a catch 22… how do you tell kids “Don’t talk to strangers” and then get irritated with them when they act shy toward people they don’t know? At what age are they allowed to start interacting with strangers? Will they need a bit of therapy to undo the habits, like I did? I still fear strangers, and still find myself being paranoid around people I don’t know well. How about you? And, of course, don’t lose sight of the fact that if your child is going to be molested (or kidnapped), the odds are overwhelming that it will be someone close to, or in, your family.

When children have all the basics down, they will know when something isn’t right. If someone is touching them in their private areas, or asking them to do something that doesn’t seem appropriate, or is treating them differently than most adults do, they will catch on. If they trust you and you have a great open dialog going, they will tell you about it. Then you trust your gut and investigate. Although I’m hoping like mad that you, nor I, will ever have to.